Overheard II

I am waaay behind on my updating ... we've already had a TPK (so sad ... only two survivors) but I'm behind on the overheards, so forget that the characters who are saying these are dead ;)

• "Get up and heal us! Stop slacking!"
  (to unconscious cleric)

• "While Perci lay dying, the GM laughed"

• "Hey, who's the necromancer here? I know my body parts"
  "Well, I'm unconscious, so I don't know anything"

• "This could be a coffee table book! 'Things To Do With An Unconscious Paladin'."

• "Are you tired with having to animate the corpses of ugly people?"
  (infomercial)

• "You were dying in a pit of poo!"

• "Scare him shirtless!"

• "This is art! Only it's moving, and it's not wearing any clothes"

• "Lucien! Bathe these gnomes!"

• "It's theological porn"

• "Remember, find him and kill him. Then you get num-nums"

• "She's grappling with a worm-bat that's sucking his throat!"

• "Maybe that crossbow bolt will give him a disease"
  "Ooo! Crossbow bolt of STDs!"

• "Morning, sunshine!"
  "You're a big jerk."

• "Just because I have an animated skeleton, doesn't mean I consort with evil powers"

• " ... barely missing his balls"
  "What?!?"

• "Maybe we should kill them in alphabetical order"

• "We should run from the jello"
  "That sounds disgusting!"
  "Can I have one?"

*moment of silence for our deceased party*

Overheard ... The New Campaign

• "We're feeding the hungry!" (NPC)
  "And who's brilliant idea was that?!" (Perci)

• "It's like we're running a gauntlet of nerdhood!"
  

• "Reassure this, shinypants!"

• "I tend to cause panic in a lot of things"
  

• "You're gonna fall to your fiery death"
  "Again?!"

• "Family values? So my sister can lend me money for weapons of mass destruction?"
  

• "That's how Yu learned to operate a meth lab! I mean, a magic lab!"
  

• "I want a vermin attractant!"
  

• "Now we just need to find an elephant."

• "I need to put some ranks in Handle Gnome"
  

• "This is why I'm not in the Gnomish baseball league"
  

• "Squeeze her 'til she poops!"

• "All right. We spent the evening slaughtering smurfs"

• "It pays to be a ranged ... spell ... flinger"

What Dice Are You?

I don't agree ... but the quiz was one of those "whatever you pick for the last question is your result" type of quiz.

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Best. Recap. Ever

So occasionally, I have to miss our weekly game. I don't usually like it, but life happens. Anyway, the next day (today) I often ask what I missed ... and this week, I got the best recap ever.

I'm putting it here so I'll always be able to find it ... and so everyone can enjoy it!

I'll let Mi and Yu reply:

Mi: Yu broke her butt!
Yu: And my legs!
Mi: Yeah, and her legs. But not really.
Yu: Yeah, not really. We were just pretending.
Mi: Because we were sneaking and we fell from a window.
Yu: I won! I won!
Mi: Not the sneaking!
Yu: No, but I still won! I am the be-est! I am the be-est!
Mi: She was the only one who was able to blow up the spiders. They were killing Vayla. And Kain and Perci were just running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
Yu: I was so awesome! And I just floated down and everybody else fell. And we found this orphanage for werewolves and I got this great idea to start an orphanage for undead. When I move into my summer home, I'm going to let undead without a home move in, too, because zombies deserve a home, too.
Mi: I told her they had to be already existing undead though. She can't kill somebody just to make an undead orphan.
Yu: Meany!
Mi: The orphanage was really creepy, too. It had burned down two months ago and there was nothing left but an arch and an underground room with a dead body in it.
Yu: And the body was full of spiders!
Mi: Yeah.
Yu: And I wo-on! I wo-on!
Mi: And there were lots of cruel torture instruments.
Yu: They were really cool. And there were a couple of shiny silvered daggers. They were too big for me and Mi, though, so I gave one to Kain and one to Vayla. Perci wouldn't take one. He probably thinks they're evil or something.
Mi: And there was a little girl in the woods!
Yu: Oh yeah, a little girl in the woods!
Mi: We looked after her over night because Kain and Perci were too busy arguing about what to do with her.
Yu: Yeah, she's nice.
Mi: And that's what happened.
Yu: I won! I won!
Mi: Oh, and there are some missing children! We're looking for them.
Yu: They were eaten by kobolds!
Mi: No they weren't! Kain says it looks like they were just captured and taken away.
Yu: Oh. Same difference.
Mi: It's not the same!
Yu: Well, almost. The kobolds might have eaten them later. Then it would be the same.
Mi: Anyway, that's what happened.
Yu: Yep.

New Places, New Faces

We've started our new campaign, set in Korvosa.
So, from now on (or at least until the end of this campaign), the Overheard posts will deal with these misguided character ...

Our new adventuring party!

Kain is our urban ranger ... dark and mysterious, with a kind soul and not much of a sense of humor. He's like Batman, only with a kind soul.

Ah Perci ... our paladin puritan of Abadar. He's about 19 years old, but very innocent (at least, he was - we're working on it). He's also part angel, but doesn't have wings yet. Just stubs, which are used for all sorts of innuendo.

Veyla is our newest member ... I think she's a cleric. She's a follower of a goddess of lust and revenge, which makes for an interesting personality. I think she'll fit in just fine.

Mi is our bard, and one of the gnome twins. She's the more reliable and less insane of the pair, but don't believe that's she's completely sane. She's also got a morale streak that sometime gets her (and her sister) in trouble. Beware her obsession with keys

And last, but not least, is Yu. The other gnome twin. She's a necromancer, and a wee bit crazy at times. She's got a familiar raven named Quoth and her twin Mi to look after her. Oh, and her bag of dead animals.

Overheard ... The Leftovers

So we're into our new campaign, but before I start writing the wacky things we say there, I found a page of leftover quotes from the previous campaign ... I apologize if any of these are repeats. We may have had two lists going for a while.

Anyway ....

• "He caught the ultimate STD ... demon possession!"

• "That was clever! Write it down!"

• "Why are you trying to get our raccoon drunk?"

• "I'd like to see you blow up a ballista"

• "Don't forget to pick up your raccoon on your way over"

• "Don't break our Eladrin! We only have so many!"

• "You may now resume crapping your pants"

• "Do dragons have kidneys?"
  "They have to, otherwise they wouldn't be able to pee"

• "Aw! I've drooled on my spells"

• "Smelly sock attack!"

• "I think it's immune to death"

• "Divodhiin ... cries because he can't scream"

• "Oh dude! In our next party, we should have a rodeo clown!"

• "We've had tentacles the whole time?!"

• "I'll save your boss!"

• "So, you won't be the priest at our wedding?"
  "No. I will come to your exorcism, though."

• "I'll do the exorcism for free. For old time's sake."

• "Are you not doing anything because everyone is judging you?"

• "Ooh! Time to supe-up our meat shield!"

• "Aw! Everything's immune to fire."
  "It's Hell. We're in Hell."

• "We need to kill him as soon as possible"

• "Shit! Sorry, I keep forgetting I'm dead."

• "Oh my god, we're the rulers of the Abyss, oh my god, what are we going to do? Oh my god ..."

Stay tuned! The next post will introduce the characters of our new campaign, and more loverly things we've said while playing.

You've been warned.

Overheard... part VIII (The Final Edition)

Our campaign has ended, and a new one will soon begin, so here is the last "Overheard" ... at least until the new campaign is in full swing!

• "Fake cookies!"
  "They're not fake, they're substandard"

• "Don't O.D. on heroism!"

• "Come down, you brain slug"

• "Hell oysters. Yuck."

• "He's managed to make it with a succubi, he should be able to make it with a chaotic evil version of himself"

• "Ok, no one is playing with the skull"
  

• "Kick him in the undead kneecaps!"

• "So, you won't be the priest at our wedding?" (A)
  "No, but I will come to your exorcism" (G)

• "... hits you with his broad."
  "That wasn't in the character description"

• "You're in an intestine, but you're not dead yet" (M)
  "I can dimension door out!" (A)
  "Poor thing will be hungry again and won't know why" (G)

• "I feel sorry for the worm."
  "We're the one's who crawled up it's bum!"

• "Is shitting my pants a standard action?"

• "Everybody stops to golf clap"

• "I'm a turnip!"
  "A turnip that can cast Bolt of Glory"
  "I'm an angry turnip!"

• "It's a good thing my underwear isn't magical"
  

How To Play D&D

This is the most straight forward way of explaining how to play D&D I've ever seen:

Overheard... part VII

(Sorry for the long pause between updates!)

• "I totally need an undead bear now"

• "100% is a random answer"
  "Like peanut!"

• "Evil mage camp..."
  "Like evil fat camp"

• "Why does Hrondir need a body guard?"
  "Because she's a squishy mage"

• "Wait, what did you say about mutant babies?"

• "Slow down so I can eat you!"

• "I will be staying in Porphyrie House, I just won't do any whoring"

• "The building is made of bones"
  "What happens if I cast Resurrection on it?"

• "So if I kill, say, a bandit leader, can you pickle the head?"

• "Squishy bludgeoning. The best kind."

• "You haven't brought my body."
  "Your body is understandably paranoid."

• "Can Diplomacy work for therapy?"

• "Ok, I tell him in my brain."

• "She's crazy"
  "She's a necromancer. She chills out with dead people for a living."
  "Yeah. That should do wonders for her self-image"

• "Well, if you all get killed, I will be, you know, whoring"

• "So who's gonna hold Mirr while we cut off her butt?"
  "Does anyone have a melon baller?"
  "No! No one is shaving my ass!"

• "There will be no non-consensual flesh-scooping"

Cupcakes!!!

It's almost my birthday (send gifts) so I thought I'd share this nifty site that I found. It's 100 cupcakes based on games. Readers of this blog should be able to identify this one:

And this one:



But can you guess the others??? Go ahead and try!

Overheard... part VI

• Whenever I hear "throbbing member" I think of an MP with a headache

• Are You There, Calitha? It's Me, Aethera

• What does "Rampant Castration" do?

• And then, Divodhiin casts heroism on ...
  Cookies!
  On cookies...?
  They died valiantly
  

• No, Ledi is not my seeing-eye phanaton

• Malcanthet, there's a party of mortals to see you with pumpkins on their heads.

• I like playing a racist. It's kinda fun!

• You can have the horny bard
  Hey, I'm available
  Ok, you can rent the horny bard

• No dear, you're not a turnip

• Yay!!! ... ... that was creepy

• ... with his nipples (Adil)
  (everyone else) WHAT?!?

• You're using the coins as pasties?

• We've heard enough about the location of Divodhiin's nipples

• It's ale and whores. There's a certain order to these things

• I want to go both ways!
  So does Divodhiin!
  

nothing to do with D&D

*smirk*

Overheard... part V (The Butt Edition)

• There's nothing magical about Grimgore's butt
  

• Do eldrin get dark vision? (Adil)
  No, all we get is pretty (Gen)
  That's enough (Adil)

• There's smoke coming from the doorway, and it doesn't look friendly! (Kat)
  Can smoke look friendly? (Gen)

• Aethera did 212 points of damage! Woot! (Gen)
  Will you marry us? (Alex)

• Let me introduce your butt hole to my GIANT SWORD!

• I can't get it out! Unclench! Unclench!

• Holy hell! You have a +15 for initiative? Can I marry you? (Kat)
  I think there've been enough marriage proposals tonight (Alex)

• Don't kill Maureen! She has all the money!

• Magic circle against eagles!

• I can't poop on you! It's so frustrating!

• Oh no! The ass-kicking goggles!

• I think we should adopt the unclench-the-buttocks cry for the party

Overheard... part IV

• "It's my bra of infinite holding!
  "So each cup is a dimensional space? Or two bags of holding sewn together?"
  
  
• "Does that mean none of us are wearing pants?"
  (noticing that you can put magical clothing/rings/etc everywhere except on your legs)
  

• "It's important for your cheese to be aligned with your magical items"

• "Do demons have knickknacks?"
  "Little tiny tentical monsters in heart frames?"

• "Does your constipation affect ability checks?"

• "Why are you looking at me like Ahazu?"

• "Laser pants? Why would you want to sleep with that? Sounds painful!"

• "Worship the Timbits!"
  "I am glazed and sugary. Worship me now!" (evil voice)

• "Don't let the horny monkeys get Aethera."

• "Extreme Feather Fall!"

• "At the bottom is a giant spider" (Mike)
  "Is it a horny spider?" (Gen)
  "Well, it does try to poke you as you get down" (Mike)

• "Holler when you're dead!" (Aethera, from the top of the hole, to the group, at the bottom)
  

Be nice to the cleric

(from Penny Arcade)

Sorry if the comic is really tiny. Click on it to make it bigger (and readable)

Overheard... part III

• "Pants are the new feet" (Alex)
  "So how many feet in a pants?" (Gen)
  
  
• "Did you just say pants again?"
  

• "Ants ate my pants"
  
  (we were on a real pants kick that night)

• "Don't sneeze on our cleric!"

• "Well la dee da! Maybe I'll just stay dead then"

• "Welcome back, ya lazy slob. Have a good sleep?"
  (Lil, to Divodhiin, upon restoring him to consciousness)

• It's like a kissing booth ... of DEATH!"

• I'm quite thirsty from all this being killed to death"

• "We can be the Super Team of scaring-the-shit-out-of-children-at-night"

• "Wait ... Ledi's going to mate his flying what??"
  

My Little Cthulhu

Being relatively new to the whole D&D world, I know who Cthulhu is and that he's not the type of creature you'd ever want to encounter as an adventuring party, but I've never played a game that has had anything to do with him.

Still, I find it completely and utterly amusing that he's been turned into such a cute little cartoon character! Here are some of the adorable Cthulhu things I've found:

Dreamland Toyworks has a bunch of My Little Cthulhu things, like a papercraft (which I have and need better glue to assemble), complete with screaming victim.

But wait, there's much more!

Cthulhu will keep your feet toasty warm

You can snuggle with Cthulhu while you sleep

Hang Cthulhu on your Christmas Tree to celebrate the holidays

Or even have a My Little Pony Cthulhu-style (scroll down to #10)

*whew* And there's so much more! If I do play a campaign that features Cthulhu, I don't know if I'll be able to take it seriously after all this adorable marketing!

A bit of theatre...

Since this blog is supposed to be all funny things D&D (and not just what happens at our games... although it will be primarily that), I felt I had to include my ALL TIME FAVOURITE video:




Fans of the webcomic 8-Bit Theater (which I love but have never been able to read the entire thing) will doubly appreciate this video.

Enjoy!

Overheard... part II

• "I like the word 'uniboob'. It's so egalitarian."
  "One boob for all!"

• "What's the DC to pick up a spellcaster and ..."
  "And what? Use her as a weapon?!"
  "Use Magic Device!"

• "Sunstroke is just like a ray of enfeeblement"

• Undead are unaffected by mind affecting effects, yes"

• "Have you ever tried to train a squirrel?"

• "A cheaper focus to a friendlier plane - like an interplanar travel ad"

• "Campaign's over! Woo! Off with the robes!"

• "Joel is so cute when he's trying to kill me. I just can't bear it!"

• "Shit on it! Shit on it!"

• "Summon electric chicken!"

• "He's not naked. Calm down. He's just covered in ants."

• "Divodhiin, are you immune to metal?"

• "I'm moving in the direction of pants"

• "Can I get extra healing for that?" (Kat)
  "Only if you don't set me on fire" (Gen)
  "I'm sorry for that!" (Alex, exasperated)
  

Overheard... part I

• "Would it make you feel better if I let you kill me and bring me back?"

• "Didn't you bring haggis once?"
  "That was spinach dip."

• "Aw... it's okay, we'll get you some more spider teeth"

• "This is fun. We should go rod shopping more often"
  "Don't you trust me?"
  "I'll be gentle. I promise"
  "I prefer a more tactile approach when selecting rods"
  "The rod is appropriately attuned"
  "Would you like me to wrap the rod for you?"

• "He's a fine specimen."
  "A specimen of what? Childhood exposure to herpes??"
  "You can just cast Remove Disease"

• "Just ask around. We are not going to whore anyone"

• "Oh my god! He's in heat!"
  "He's always in heat."

• "Is this the same day as yesterday?"